Poems · Uncategorized

Subdued- Scribbles of a philophobe

You never prepared me for this
There was no warning sign, none
And you just ripped the bandage off
I guess I got caught up in la-la land
So much was at stake, so I held on

The day you left, I felt my soul detach
The world was spinning, I thought I would retch
I remember crying myself to sleep,
If I ever had any sleep at all I don’t remember
Even my mind seemed to be against me,
I replayed that day over and over searching for mistakes
Any piece of this heart-wrenching puzzle I had missed

You didn’t just hurt me
You ripped away the only humanity I had left
All around me I saw only darkness, resentment enveloped me
I shut out everything, everyone
I never let myself feel even the slightest of happiness
The self-reminder of getting hurt tortured me

I never knew how much control you had over me
Or was it the memories?
Maybe I was afraid if I made new ones I would lose ours
Since those were the only thing I had left of us

I would lay up at night and wonder if you thought about me
If your heart ached for me like mine did for you
You left me subdued, questioning my worth
My mind was the judge, my self-esteem the culprit

I laid out every reason you could have to hurt me
Was I being punished? Did I deserve this?
It took a while, an almost endless battle
But it got easier; waking up every morning
Talking about you, about us

I started to feel, to let others in
The wall I had built  started to collapse
Happiness crept in, as I busied myself
Now all I have left of you, of us are my words
The thoughts I put down in my mental battle

Promise Toyo




3 thoughts on “Subdued- Scribbles of a philophobe

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