When I was a kid, everyone thought I had ADHD. I wasn’t like most girls who wanted to learn how to braid a doll’s hair and play dress up…or have a tea party with teddy bears. The first teddy bear I had ended up being a lab specimen; yup…I dissected it. One of the qualities I seem to lack is focus. I have an exam in a few days, a presentation(which I am not prepared for) due tomorrow, and you would think I would shut out the world and bury myself in my books…I try to worry, trust me I do- but knowing that if I died none of this would matter makes it less important.
Today my theme is basically me ranting. I feel like everyone around me has something they want me to achieve or someone they want me to be, and I try to look within and actually find my self…but 17 years later I’m still confused. I don’t even know what I want me to be…
And society doesn’t make it any easier. Setting unrealistic standards, and honestly I can’t keep up. But this thing about being focused which some people seem to have handled so well just seems really hard for me.
The other day my mum’s friends watched my you tube videos and without even complementing my effort or appreciating the fact that I’m trying to find out what I find joy in, they told me I can’t be a doctor and have a blog or a channel at the same time; that those were unimportant distractions…That I had to ‘focus’ on medicine.
Okay maybe they were right, but come on…really? Not even a ‘wow’ or a ‘good effort’ kinda thing. At least pretend to like it then remind me of what you think is important.
I didn’t mind though, I have heard all those pep talks about planning for my future and doing the right thing at the right time. Heck, I give myself those pep talks, but I’m still the indecisive wallflower.
Today its dancing, tomorrow it’s acting, next week it’s exploring or research…Sometimes I get tired of myself. But maybe that’s just how my brain works, and I wonder if there are people out there that at least feel a fragment of what I’m talking about. I write to express myself and sometimes Its like there are no words formed that can describe the flood of thoughts I have every second.
If you ask me what I really think about, I can’t even explain it myself. I’ll be an ‘adult’ soon. But I’m worried that when the ‘time’ comes I’d just be a grown child. And who even made the law that adulthood must be at a particular age…right! The controlling human, a.k.a society…wait! I drifted.
Anyway, I apologize for the late post…I’ve had a long day; with exams closing in, and a huge presentation tomorrow, plus I have and interview to submit to my school’s E-magazine. My eyes are so heavy but I don’t want to stop writing.
Writing is pretty much the only thing I never gave up on…sure, I took breaks when I got lazy; but it’s the only thing I really make an effort to improve. I guess one of my few joys are the thoughts that someone is out there reading, and it speaks to them and give them this peace of mind that they felt never existed.
Have a lovely weekend everyone. Stay safe, stay focused.